I'd like to begin by saying that I am completely new to this seemingly well-established blog scene, and so the fact that I am writing this under the notion that other people will be reading it makes me feel kind of funny, though not in a bad way. Truth of the matter is, nobody will very likely see this except close friends, and even then, I shouldn't let the idea of someone reading every word of this affect what I say and the way I say it. So on that note, let's begin.
The idea to make this came about last night, actually, during a conversation with a friend about his own blog (and once I get more hip to this blog thing, I'll figure out how to link his site here). This particular individual used to be a fairly devout Christian, hailing from the land of milk and honey: Texas. Coming to college in Vermont, he's given up his evangelism for a more "rational" approach to life, i.e. Atheism. His blog mainly deals with questions of faith and the religious mindset as he sees it from his perspective (and thanks to his Christian background, he is what I'd like to call a "knowledgeable Atheist"). The argument made in his blog and during the course of our conversation was that unerring faith in a God-figure is simply unsubstantiated, doesn't make sense. And of course, being the contrarian that I am, I felt a kind of discomfort when I tried to land on that conclusion as my stopping point. To understand where I'm coming from, let me give you some background:
I was raised in an Episcopal household, the majority of my family being relatively involved in the Church-life. Both my father and mother, as I grew older, became increasingly involved in that scene, and when I reached the proper age, they began sending me to youth group. Now, like I said, I've always been the kind of person that finds some point on which to disagree, no matter where I am. So, as my parents urged me into the kind of life that so many young people my age were embracing pretty wholeheartedly, I instead pushed back. I didn't take to the youth group "lifestyle" - a bunch of early-teens who somehow felt totally cool with the idea of falling on their knees in divine worship. I felt like an outsider there, needless to say. So I finally ditched that once my parents gave me permission to decide for myself. What made it worse was that, because my folks were so involved in that whole thing, and because I once was too, people from the Church would always be asking about me, asking when I'd come back to youth group, asking why I never came to church. Meanwhile, I was never home. I was off with my friends playing loud music in basements, smoking pot, and involving myself in all manner of delinquent activities. It was at this time, with the aid of marijuana and other such "poisons" that I discovered for myself an authentic sense of the "religious" or "mystical" experience. I put those adjectives in quotes because I know that for so many people, drug-induced experiences are not authentic experiences, nor is the knowledge taken away from them. My feeling on that matter should be clear already. I was a changed person, and I found myself willingly picking up books about Buddhism, Hinduism, mystical Christianity, and so on. So, I found myself in a strange dilemma. On the one hand, my parents and a whole slew of folks down at the local church were waiting for me to "see the light", while on the other hand, I almost felt like I had, in a way. But, again, being the contrarian that I am, I rejected what I found to be such a "restrictive" spiritual path, and continued to study, on my own time, the wisdom of the Ancients.
So here I am, close to graduating college with a degree in philosophy and religious studies, and I still can't confidently put into words my feelings about God. One thing I've learned for sure here in college is that it's much easier to feel like you know what you're talking about. It makes life so much simpler when you feel like you understand it, when you have a solid belief (whether that belief is scientifically substantiated or not) about the life you're living and where it's going. On the one hand, all the people I know that are devoted Christians, that tell me that they know in their hearts that Christ died for them, they seem happy. They seem like they've got something figured out. At the same time, the people that I've met in my life that don't believe in God, that are pretty damn sure that there's no bearded man on a cloud recording our every misdeed (and I see what they mean), they too seem like they've got something figured out. As for me (and I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or pitying myself, because that brings up all kinds of questions about the Self and who I am, and I've yet to really feel good about that one either), I've never been able to feel confident about either position, God or no-God. Where does this leave me? Well I've noticed for one that it leaves me in a place of not being very contributory during those big deep God-conversations that college student like to have. Perhaps one way I could reconcile that is by taking the time now to try to put into words my feelings about God. Here goes:
First off, assuming there is a God, I don't think God is a man. I don't think "he" has any human qualities whatsoever, and would be better referred to as an It. Even then, placing a discriminatory designation such as "it" on something that is always referred to as infinite, omnipresent and eternal kind of seems like trying to fit the ocean in a teacup. If one is to try to understand what the concept of God really means, one has to inquire about its genesis as an idea (pun intended). What was it that that first human being really experienced when he or she came away with an understanding of an underlying Power, a Force prior to any created thing? One must really examine the institution of religion itself to really understand what God is. As human beings, the most complex creature on the planet Earth, we have created these different paths, religions, all of which are centered around the search for and the understanding of a principle that is fundamental and prior to Life itself, prior even to the material world around us. What is more, just about every "path" that can be called a religion makes the claim that it is the only true way to this Principle. Each religious institution orbits around that Principle, although it is described very differently by each, yet aren't all things described very differently depending on what corner of the globe you find yourself? I have heard a few nice analogies for this. Everyone on the Earth must drink water. Here in America and other English-speaking countries, we all know it as Water. Yet, if you find yourself in another part of the world, it is called Wasser, or Acqua, or Wai, or Voda, or Vatten, or Eau. If an English speaker found himself in France and demanded a cup of WATER!, he would be looked at like a lunatic. It is not that these people don't drink water, or don't understand what water itself is, they just refer to it as something else. Likewise, the vast array of different religious paths have arisen out of deep cultural heritages that influence almost everything that we understand today about different religions. The fundamental question, however, is this: what is it that all of these religious paths are trying to find their way towards? The Buddhist calls it Buddha-nature, Christians call it the trinitarian God, Muslims call it Allah, Jews call it Adonai, Hindus call it Brahman (or any of the other hundreds of names given to the principle of Creation and Destruction). The list goes on, and we, being creatures defined by culture, are sure that God is a man with a son named Jesus. But this story has been replayed countless times in the cultural imagination of humanity - the idea that we are beings destined for communion with a Force greater than ourselves if we can only widen our view to see it.
So what is God? I don't know. But one thing I think I can be certain of, if nothing else, is that whatever God really is cannot be defined and conditioned by cultural influence, cannot be succinctly delineated with a word. Trying to do so, like I said, is similar to scooping up water with a teacup and claiming to have the ocean. For me, the great search that every individual must come to terms with should not be limited by name and form, cultural tradition and the preconceived ideals contained therein; rather that search should be defined by an effort to understand That which comes before everything.
